to show the fight was valiant

Sunday, February 27, 2005 / 10:34 pm

my fingers are freshly washed. water (like a hungry satin curtain) delicately licked and sucked and trickled away the thin film of juice (persimmon & wine grapes) that coated my fingers.

but that was two minutes ago.

and tmr i will be able to say (with re. to my official start to JC life), but that was two months ago.

it is a scary thought (i am alarmed & disarmed) that two mths, no - THREE mths have passed me by. my new life has knocked the wind out of me like an androgynous thai boxer locked in a deathmatch with his/her sandbag. i am now fully aware of myself, people, love, thanksgiving, need, want, schedule, NEED MORE TIME, mortality, opportunity, opportunity cost...

and just two minutes ago i was composing a sweet refrain with my lips wet and pressed against the creamy flesh of an overripe persimmon. i am deft at stripping the fruit of its vermillion angry orange skin, i like little sounds the little seeds make when i bite into them - perhaps i take some kind of sadistic pleasure when it bursts in my mouth, tie-dyeing my mouth in happy colours with the overpowering explosion of its juice.

then my fingers -still sticky sweet- found new toys to loll around with: wine grapes are christmas baubles of an aged sweetness. (maybe they taste better with time.) i have also lost interest in continueing this bit of silly prose. all this is merely a veil that's failing to cover-up my faltering faith in my own abilities; i am a nervous wreck inside. my heart isn't beating properly my chest hurts and i don't want tomorrow to come because DEAR GOD I CANNOT FACE THIS HURDLE ON MY OWN.

i don't want to have to go away from too many things, from a life which i may have established too early.

and yet, i know i will learn to take comfort in that God will be strong in my weakness.


'when you know someone prays for you, it is comforting and special. now what when jesus says that he himself prays for you?'

'Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.'
-- John 17:20-26

all my prayers have been said; i've even said them for you.

to everyone retrieving the long-awaited O lv results tmr: all the best, and may His blessings be bestowed upon you in abundance.

cheers, all.

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